M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize