Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
