Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
