Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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