i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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