if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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