Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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