bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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