wrigley field is MILF paradise
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
