Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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