I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
