Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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