when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize