words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
