my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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