I'm going to jail i love you
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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