The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
