I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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