My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
