So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Someone shattered a urinal.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
