Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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