I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
