WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
