Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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