pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
