giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
