My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
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