I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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