my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
