he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
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Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
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I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper