I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
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Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
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Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.