if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.