I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
