I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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