Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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