I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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