Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
