tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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