so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
