It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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