I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
