The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
