I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
