Just fell off a train. Bad.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
