well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
