Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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