I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
