I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
