I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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