4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
