You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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