Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
