Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
