i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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