I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
