three words: i give head
three words: not that well
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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