Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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