I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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