My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
