hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The best revenge is premature balding
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
